oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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