That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
