he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
