i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
