cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
ttyl tear gas
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
