Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
