My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
