New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
