Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
