Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
