Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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