worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
