My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
