I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
