Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Randomize
