I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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