I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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