if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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