I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I could fuck to npr.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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