I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
