I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
