I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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