Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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