Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
