I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
