I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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