maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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