My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
