Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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