is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
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They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
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Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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