I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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