i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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