I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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