how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
