I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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