listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Help. Why am I so naked?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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