i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
