I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
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