you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
we're making bets on your personal life
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
