I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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