I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
