Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
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