She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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