Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
