what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
