Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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