i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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