I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
