The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
