You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
