I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
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