I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
