I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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