You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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