I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
